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Good luck to you both. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. One thing I will mention about Vegas is that yes, like anywhere else, things can happen in regards to safety, but that city is so patrolled. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Walking to work? But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) This is a question for a marriage counselor and/or individual therapist. The smoke. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. A decade? Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. Think of it this way if you give in on this to avoid conflict, what will be next? The thing is, by continuing to comply with his increasingly erratic demands for check-ins, he came to expect them anytime he wanted them so if I went to a movie with friends and didnt tell him, Id come out to literally 30 texts wanting to know where I was. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. Sometimes there is no choice due to your family circumstances or mutual agreement, but this is not one of them. -03-2022, 0 Comments Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. Your argument is based on extremes. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. My spouse travels for work all the time. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. I go on business trips. This concern is not about risk of harm, it is about trust in your judgment. Companies have meetings there because the hotels are set up for them, and its incredibly easy. And its going to be a problem in your relationship whether you go on the trip or not. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. Agreeded theres some heavy selection bias in that sample. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. I feel a sudden need to greet my husband at the door tonight and give him a big hug. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. Ding ding ding! The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. They live there with partners and children, even! The hotel was phenomenal, though! This is a really, really big deal. If your partner has been in therapy for years and isnt making progress, its very possible that their therapist doesnt have the full picture. either. They dont have to go out of town to do it. Youve never met them, but that doesnt mean that they dont exist. So yeah somethings just not right. Actually those are not the only two choices. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. Its a lot less horrendous than deglove, whats the issue? Husband used to do this to me every time I drove anywhere in the winter. Im so sorry, Emma. Feel free to point out where I did that. Oh dear. I work for a global health organization. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. I think some boundaries are needed here. Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Food! Also, they have very little money, so we are . Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. And I asked to go but thats out of the question. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. Thanks! Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. walk. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. If we could afford flying we would have. Why doesnt he trust you? husband doesn t want to go on family vacationguinness irish stew slow cooker. OMG! Tell him to get over himself. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. I go on frequent trips completely by myself, or with girlfriends, and he is not at all jealous/controlling (he doesnt love travel like I do which is why hes not going with, suits us fine). The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. It could be, but its tougher to stay up all night gambling and partying in the middle of the week in NY or SF. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. I absolutely dread this. This is the exact opposite of what youre suggesting, Ramona. Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. And we have no way of knowing, so a lot of people are going the when this happened to me it was X, so thats whats happening here.. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? None which should be affecting your ability to do your job. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) Look at it again. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Roppongi it is! If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. This is great, Anon Poster. I guarantee if my partner surveyed their friends they would all tell them that they are being ridiculous to even question letting (ha!) I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. Leave the argument and do that as consistently as you can. Everyone else said she deserved it! Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! Ive been to Vegas many, many times. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. Just those who DO think its abuse should be aware that when they think that, the best thing to suggest is individual not joint therapy. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? Its definitely a huge red flag that your husband takes a winky tongue-in-cheek ad campaign that seriously. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. I gave the ring back soon after. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. Im rooting for you! ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. arent at all limited to Vegas. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. Its just a normal American city that happens to have the nations most vast square footage of conference hall space and some of its cheapest business-class hotels. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). He is the one with the heavy lifting, though. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. I agree in principle, but I think its easy for certain couples with significant shared responsibilities to fall into the language of permission, and its not always a red flag. seriously. Hee! My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. Grownups dont treat other grownups like this unless they are fundamentally abusive. I could care less about gambling and night time shenanigans. :D. Its doubly absurd because Tokyo is, I would wager, THE safest big metropolitan city in the world. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. Its tough but definitely not impossible. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. I dont much care for Vegas. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). Period. But they LOVE the idea of going there and want you to have lots of fun! But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. I also love Vegas. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. It got dark on my (2-hour!) He needs to understand that what happens in their marriage is between them (and their counselors) and not random strangers, acquaintances and friends. You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. Interestingly, prostitution is a county-by-county decision in Nevada. Indifference. You are not alone with this. Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) We were already pretty good at forming social subgroups with people who are more like us, but now that we have instant online communities for any reason or belief, the effect has grown, and we can choose to associate more with people who agree with our beliefs. Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. ), Yeah man, Id be super bummed if my wife went to Vegas and didnt take me with her, I freakin love Vegas!. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. A spare hour or two could be spent at an adult themed entertainment show or casino, and that can honestly spiral. I might go if it were for a show I wanted to see that I couldnt attend anywhere else, or if I had to go for work. Sounds great. It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. :). Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. Its not legal in Las Vegas, although theres probably a lot of escort services, youre probably thinking of Reno, where they have legal brothels that have to follow a ton of regulations. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. Well, okay, then, if your mom says so!. Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. But I am going to totally disagree with you that its not a relationship problem. Not going on this trip will not save your marriage; I suspect this happens in other situations too or will in the future. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Find an new therapist to go alone so you can undo all the damage that marriage counseling with a controlling spouse has done. Exactly this. You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! Display any widget here. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. Abusers often (successfully!) Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. You have a good day and thank you. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. How entitled can someone be to think that their ex has to justify wanting to break up and have a good cause? The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. The reality of the place is really NBD. THIS. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. Best of luck to you. Should I never go anywhere? My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. He does worry about my safety. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. my husband has his guy trip (fishing) this year i took a weekend with my mom. Because my husband trusts me. Im a bit flabbergasted. Theyre out there. Vegas is one of the cheapest options with the best meeting facilities. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. OP, this is HIS issue, not yours. Yes, this. If his anxiety is more travel related than trust related, there may besome reasonable actions you can take together to smooth them out. A month? Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. (Is he really afraid you will be kidnapped or is he being hyperbolic to try to convince you to stay?). Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. I obviously dont TELL people I have these thoughts because it tends to freak people out! Then everyone is sober. You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. OH MY GOD your husband makes me so pissed. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. And (2) hes not paranoid, controlling or insecure. The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. sienna plantation inventory homes; masters in international law and diplomacy; is daffodil water poisonous; He could also stand some counselling, Im sure, but you need his buy-in for that. So were you on the east or west side of the Hellmouth? However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. It made no sense. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. This gives me hope that one day Ill have that too! That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. Sorry not sorry. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. I suspect that insecurity over her being the primary breadwinner has a lot to do with it (deeply ingrained social conceptions are still a thing). They have to want to change. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. I have no problem with him going to week-long management training or long weekends away for bachelor parties. Sometimes your partner will say they support you in fleeing the nest, and they may want to support you with all their might, but are battling with feelings of their own. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. Of course, Im only going by what was in the letter. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. I went just this month with my husband. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? 8 1 11 1. I go to Vegas twice a year for fun, and while you can get into the seedier side of it IF YOU WANT TO, its also very, VERY easy to not get into it all. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. Hopefully hes open to counseling/therapy, but if hes not, and he instead doubles down on not letting you travel (regardless of destination), I do think you need to consider an exit strategy. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. Exactly. Pretty much. Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas.